By Tal Bahar, Community Shlicha
On that Saturday night when Rachel and Jon announced with broken hearts that Hersh had been killed in captivity, I knew I had to wait for five more names to come after him.
A few days earlier, rumors circulated in Israel that the IDF had returned six bodies to the land. Of course, the IDF spokesman quickly made sure to deny it, as always when such terrible news is leaked. But when the first name came, Hersh, I knew five more would follow.
Such rumors are usually true, so we had to wait. Hanging between sky and earth, I sat down on the floor and could not move. A body as heavy as a barbell. I’m sure that in many more apartments and houses around the world, people were waiting, grieving and scared, on the floors of their houses.
Waiting and crying then Ori, Eden, Carmel, Alex and Almog. I knew them all. Everyone’s face. They didn’t know me, but I prayed for all of them. I talked to God about all of them.
I stopped crying, and went into the shower. Although I hoped so much, the water did not wash away the fear, the shock, the sense of loss. How much guilt, how much weight. I got into bed and suddenly the tears came again after I thought I had already gotten rid of them.
The tightness in my chest that I felt in the weeks after October 7th suddenly returned. I thought I got rid of it too! The heavy breathing, the lack of understanding. How can you understand such a bereavement? How can one deal with the feeling of lack and longing for people I have never met? I huddled and closed my eyes tightly and after 10 minutes, maybe 20 or 30 or 300 hundred, I managed to fall asleep.
I got up in the morning from an alarm clock to see the funeral, with the strong heartbeat of the weeks after the 7th of October. Why did you come back now? Along with them, the guilt came again. It’s been visiting at least once an hour since that damn morning almost a year ago.
Guilt for the moments when I didn’t support a hostage deal at all costs, for the moments when I felt fine and happy, and when they weren’t on my mind, for the moments when I’m a little scared.
Ambulance sirens, loud thunder, explosive sounds reminiscent of gunshots, apartments without Mamad and white pickup trucks. The first time I saw a white Toyota pickup truck here in the U.S., I ran back home. The guilt is there because I was in the Mamad at home with my family on the 7th of October, why should I be afraid? I don’t know.
My mother told me that I probably feel everything so strongly because I’m not in Israel now. It’s probably true, because Ima is always right.
Perhaps that is why, in the morning after the announcement of the six bodies of the hostages, the sense of disconnection here which was reflected in the sights of the American streets, was so strong. Everything was normal. As if the world hadn’t collapsed ten hours before.
How is the chasm between the reality that exists now in my world, ours, and the reality that those people are currently experiencing so deep? And with all the bereavement and divisive pain – we have to continue.
How do you navigate between the two? I don’t know that either. But we must try to choose correctly. To choose correctly between “The Sin of The Spies,” and a renewed revival.
Upon the return of the 12 spies from the land of Canaan, most of them, 10 of them, carried with them a message of fear, of weakness, “a land that devours its inhabitants” they said.
The tidings of wanderers brought with them. Despite the insistence of two of them on the good of this country, despite the divine command, the spies who were afraid managed to scare the people as well.
The fear created mistrust and was reflected in exile statements of a desire to return to Egypt, to their enslavers, the “Stockholm syndrome” of that time. And from that: God already wanted, so wanted and almost annihilated them.
Moshe intervened, played a little on God’s ego and thanks to him the punishment was “only” not to enter the Land of Israel, despite the physical closeness; 40 years of wandering in the desert. In exactly the way that suits them. A nomadic people with characteristics of slaves. It was an entry into the interior of the country to make decisions from the outside.
And then, a few years ago, at David Ben Gurion’s old house, I heard the next piece of history that occurred thousands of years later, and here is how it was told to me.
Moshe Sharett, then a leading statesman and head of the political department of the Jewish Agency, was sent on a “spying mission” outside the borders of the Land of Israel.
The goal: legitimizing a Jewish state in the Land of Israel. After days of gathering information, he lands back in Eretz Israel, anxious about the things he heard and the knowledge he gathered. Those who were then the Shabak, waited for a stunned man at the airport, without asking, put him in a car and drove him to Tel Aviv, to David Ben-Gurion’s house.
There the short man with the high stature of determination, values and ambition was not ready to hear – no, or maybe, or any answer other than “Yes, I will recommend the establishment of a Jewish state in the Land of Israel.”
And so, after hours, the little-big man managed to convince Moshe Sharett, later the second Prime Minister of the State of Israel, then a messenger with difficult news.
Together they went to the conference, where, despite everything he saw and thought, Moshe Sharett recommended that “a state must be established now.”
Not all the important people around were convinced, and therefore David Ben-Gurion, of course, locked them up as well. Leaving the room was conditional on signing the most defining document in the history of our country – the Declaration of Independence.
And it happened.
On May 14, 1948, a state was declared. Small and young, without clear boundaries or rules, in the middle of a war. One people, dreamers and workers, after years, finally fighting for its existence, no longer wandering. And so, we were saved from committing the sin of spies for the second time.
Like the spies, Moshe Sharett also returned scared. Came back weak. He carried with him in his words the characteristics of a wandering people, an exiled people.
A fearful people and not a working people who demand their security and who deserve it. Not of a people fighting, struggling. And suddenly – we almost “sinned” again. We almost sinned because we almost didn’t take advantage of the opportunity.
Compared to the spies, Moshe Sharett was sent to go outside Israel to make decisions for within. And Ben-Gurion – he didn’t go blind; he didn’t let fear take root and influence decision-making.
He was so determined, he understood very well what was in his hands even if he didn’t fully consider what was at stake. He was holding it and held on to it. So strong, that it happened. After all, for him – there was no other option even for one moment.
This time we were saved from the sin of spies. After all, if we had listened to fear, if we had listened to skepticism and limited faith – who knows where we would be today, because the State of Israel – most likely would not have been what it is. It is likely that it was not the same house, the same house of all the people of Israel who live within its walls or know that they will be able to enter it from the Diaspora.
And today, in the year 5784, almost 5785, the country is already complete and built and established. And there are no more prophets, and there are institutions, and there are buildings, and there is a start-up, and a language that has risen to life, extensive agriculture, and warmth and joy, and many good people.
The holy land of our ancestors has been our home for 76 years.
And among other things, we are surrounded by enemies. A year ago, the 7th day of October marked an end. Modern ruin.
The day when we were supposed to rejoice in the Torah became sad, so sad, scary, and strange. As if we were showing a horror movie about the reality of our lives. Now, as if we were pulled from the great stories of the Bible, we, the children of Israel, are faced with three sins that may come true.
After 24 hours, while “the bodies are still warm” and the smell of gunpowder still lingers, in accordance with the Israeli counterattack, the public opinion attack began on Israel.
Personally, I understand the average people of the world. The brain is swayed by the sight of inflammatory headlines and shocking images. And of course- the Legitimacy is strengthened especially in the face of some of our people (who resemble those spies) who speak ill of this country. And precisely them, those who share with us a history and shared fate who turn their backs on us – I don’t understand.
After all, they are basically turning their backs on themselves. More than infuriating – it’s unfortunate. It hurts to see our brothers and sisters tear the important fabric, that has been preserved for over 3,000 years between the Jewish people and the Land of Israel.
“Internal spies” who bring the slander of the country to the outside. And if they speak ill of her, why wouldn’t the average person do the same? And not only will he speak ill of it, but will call for its destruction and the murder of all its inhabitants. And not only the sin of the bad words, but also the sin of the rule of fear.
And no, I’m not talking about any political rule, although they may all be a little scary. I point to the fear itself. This fear, which may play in our mind; steer us.
To control our actions. The fear of social ostracism, of occupational dispossession, of lack of belonging – affects the bad speech, affects the ideas that the people of the world choose to support, changes the mindset of those who grew up with love for the State of Israel and the people of Israel and today strongly oppose “the occupying entity that commits genocide.”
Fear changes minds no less than words. Even more. Another aspect of the effects of fear is immigration from the country. Since the war began, the rate of departure from the Land of Israel has been increasing and the figures are disturbing.
Will we choose to leave the promised land while we are already in it? After all, we need the physical, not mental, separateness of the Jewish people – without the world Jewry there is no Jewish state in the Land of Israel and without the Jews who live in the Jewish state and ensuring its existence there is no world Jewry. We depend on each other. And the last sin – the sin of division.
On each of the 39 Saturdays before the terrible massacre, demonstrations on both sides of the political barrier took place in Israel.
Many believed that the divide was deep, too deep. And when all the inhabitants of the country woke up to the incessant alarms at 6:30 in the morning, and when all the rest of our people around the world woke up in the morning to the paralyzing news, we managed to build a unifying bridge.
Already that day, and the day after, we went out to lend a hand to each other. It no longer mattered what you thought about the reform or the revolution. Only unity would matter. Because this is us. A nation of brothers and sisters, in the Land of Israel and in all corners of the world. But little by little, we got used to the war.
And correspondingly, the sense of urgency that united us began to loosen. One stone after another fell from the bridge we built. And the feeling is that there are people who consciously hold a hammer and try to knock down more stones. from home and abroad.
This year: the head of the month October, which for a year now has nothing but deep sadness, and Rosh Chodesh Tishrei, which is good and pure, full of opportunities and beginnings, are adjacent on the calendar.
The symbolism of the two holding each other, one year after one of the most scarring events in the history of our nation, is tremendous. Because we will remain scarred, but scars are part of our story. Each such scar carries with it an option for a turning point – a choice between fear and opportunity.
The blowing of the shofar that opens the gates of heaven carry the prayers for the return of the hostages to us, may they be at home at the time of publishing this article, preparing to celebrate the Jewish New Year with their loving families who are praying day and night for their return.
May our sincere prayers of unity, peace and love rise up with them. Because who are we, if not a people born on the knees of faith, fallen and knocked down, wounded and humiliated, if not a people born again on the knees of destruction, not once and not twice?
And therefore, for the third time, we will continue to look fear in the eyes and with a sea of values, and with an army of determination and innovation and discipline, with a lot of hard work and love for each other – we will defeat it. In the past as well all the odds were against us. Against all odds we entered the Land of Israel and against all odds after the exile we returned to it. This time the choice is in our hands.
We must choose and work for a renewed revival in the land flowing with milk and honey.
